The Need to Be Always Right...

I really had a great time yesterday meeting up friends, talking about the “good ole days” and on a sombre mood, we talked about the recent loss of a dear friend (May Allah bless his soul). We talked till it’s time to send a dear friend to take his night bus back.

On the subject of talking, everyone hates a know-it-all. No one likes to hear, “I told you so” or imposing opinions from self-elected moral preachers...(the names that cannot be mentioned). We all like to do the talking and get some attention. Hey, look at me, see how smart or witty I am! When we disagree or express a personal opinion, we love to be right. In order to be right we think that we must make the other person wrong. We might use logic, raise our voice, or change our tone. After all we are so sure…

I meet people like this all the time. In fact, I’m tested with this dynamic every day, in face-to-face interactions, in phone conversations, in emails and in blogs. In FB status and comments, you get postings from these “keyboard warriors” regularly. Perhaps we're not aware of it at the time, but the majority of us seem consistently feel the need to be right; not only to be right, but to prove the other person wrong.

“….there's nothing wrong to speak up... some do it by 'hentam-ing' the keyboard... but b4 we do it, ask ourselves whether it will bring about change...as wishful thinking is a waste of time! But one thing for sure...everything is in the state of flux, including the status quo...” (a quote from a dear friend)

Who’s the culprit here…I think it’s our ego talking. It wants to feel strong and secure. So, whenever I have the sense that I may be wrong, it reacts by making me feel angry and afraid. The problem in this dynamic is that someone always has to lose….that's why it always leads to interpersonal interactions that foster mistrust, conflict and resentment…turning grownups in BIG SULKS

Where does this egoistic need to be right come from? The need to bully other people into submission either physically or verbally. Is it from our ancestors or nenek moyang warrior days where everything is settled by the sword or keris? Or perhaps, it is insecurity or a lack of self-esteem.

What actually did I gain in trying to correct people? Other than a stupid gotcha point, glory for me, personally and for my "supporters"....nothing…zilch. To the contrary, I lost respect, a little less affinity and worse still, I gained some animosity. I may even put my relationship on the line with the persons I “corrected”. Good relationships are not about being right, are they? They are not about winning, prevailing, and defeating. So what if I like a different colour?. So what if someone thinks they are first. They're both things of such inconsequence.

It is because we live in a world of two opposing sides,…the good against the bad. A world that always demands debate, a world of "either/or". In this world of battling egos, it's all about being separate and independent, me versus you…. I win and you lose.


The challenge is how to live in a way that transcends the personal and focuses on commonness. In the world of commonness, it's about "you and me" and win-win, a world of "both/and. It's about perspective, a world that acknowledges differences between us.

My mentor put the point through in a very simple but profound way. He asked 2 persons to stand, one person in-front facing him while the other was asked to stand on his right, He took out his credit card and held it up like a football referee holding his yellow card. He asked each of them, "How wide is the card from where you are standing?". The person in front answered 5cm while the person to his right answered 1mm.

So what's the moral of the story? Yes, you guessed it, both of them are right as they are looking at the same card but from a different point of view. Similarly we may look at the same things differently from our own viewpoint. Both are right, so do we have to argue and fight over who's right?

Every day I keep reminding myself that the “truth” is fluid. What was right before may be wrong today or tomorrow What was wrong before may be right today or tomorrow and I must learn to keep my emotional opinions limited to my own self; otherwise I might be at risk of preaching and venting. I must lower the volume on that nagging self-critical voice inside my head which triggers me to criticise others in order to feel better about myself. When I express myself honestly and openly, I let go of the need to be right. I’m more likely to listen and to learn from others instead of speaking all the time to make myself heard.

What counts are the dignity, the respect, and the validation amongst family, friends and the people I meet. These are so much more important than being right all the time.

Hang on…WTF...Who does this stooopid guy thinks he is, telling me……

(sigh)…Maybe someday, I will finally learn.

Take one more step

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill

When we meet obstacles along the way, there always the tendency to for us to quit. We may think that it’s too difficult to move on and it's to much of a burden to carry on. We may think that our dream is impossible to achieve and we settle for less. But this is the point where we can see the difference between winners and losers. Though both of them face the same difficulties, there is one thing that makes the winners different: the courage to continue.

In difficult situations, I just want to focus on taking one more step forward. I don't even think about how to complete the race. I try not to think about how many more obstacles are waiting for me. I keep telling myself to just focus on taking the next step and reminding myself, it's not how we run the race that counts but whether we cross the finish line and everyone that does is a winner.

I'm also in awe of two people I've come to admire and respect, one a 78 year old man full of life and zest. We were together on a 4D3N fishing trip recently. I admire his courage and his physical strength to last the whole trip. He told me that he's going to continue to fish until his 80 years old and then take the next step. 

Another person I met just turned 60 years old. He climbs mountains every Sunday, trekking 5 to 6 hours everytime. Last week, it was Gunung Kutu, this weekend it's Bukit Belachan. The next two weekends climb will be Bukit Broga and Gunung Angsi. He wants to be the oldest person to climb Gunung Tahan when his 70 years old.

It reminds me of one of my earlier post, Are you a carrot, an egg or coffee?... about how we react towards adversity. Everyone of us face some kind of adversity in the journey of life before we face our Creator. Adversity and challenges are what makes life journey memorable. It's God's reminder to us about our weaknesses, about conquering our pride and about having faith in His Greatness.

So what's my excuse...have a great weekend guys

Letting go of the past

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Someone asked me recently how I manage to cope with all the challenges I'm facing. I answered, "I've accepted it and moved on and I leave my fate to God".

Too err is human, seems like a cliché but who doesn't make mistakes. I know I have my fair share of mistakes and bad misjudgements in the past. I've most certainly have disappointed and hurt some people including people dear to me with what I did.  It’s already in the past, it's over and done with and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Believe it or not, one of the best demotivators is your past. Our past can drag us down before we even realise it. Our past can be a burden on our shoulders that for some of us, it could be too heavy a burden to carry.  The good news is it’s a burden we don’t have to carry. Take it off your shoulder and leave it behind.

I remember reading somewhere about a man who was late to work. He sped through a traffic light and ran over a mother and her baby. Both mother and child were killed but the driver survived unharmed. Feeling guilty, the man became an alcoholic and a drug user and his life started spiralling out of control as his guilt was so painful. It took him almost 30 years but one day he realised that what was done was done and there was no way to change it. By destroying his life as well he was effectively ruining three lives.

By living in this past moment you are preventing yourself from actually fixing what you did wrong. You can never go back in time and you can never erase what happened. "Life has no rewind button", I love this catch line of an ad I heard on the radio while driving my other half to work in the mornings.

Every new day presents you with the opportunity to start again. No matter how bad your past might be, you still have a bright future ahead waiting for you. Just don’t let the burden of the past stop you.

Waiting for the silver lining

The enemy of a great life is a good life

Ever heard of the saying "the enemy of a great life is a good life".

I don't know about you but when things are good and life been treating me well, I do tend to get complacent...I sort of lose my competitive edge, I lose my hunger. That’s why good is the enemy of great. It’s because it lulls us, softens us and seduces us into thinking that we don’t really need to try. You’re not that bad, so why bother?

"Every day, people settle for less than they deserve....but everyone has the potential for greatness" ~ Bo Bennet

Everyone is capable of doing good work...but great work takes initiative, creativity, passion and courage. That sounds like a lot of effort when there’s no burning need to change. Sometimes we even allow mediocre work as acceptable, we settle for less and we lower our standards...but still we keep asking ourselves why our status quo remains stagnant. 

Have you heard this before? If you keep doing the same thing you will get the same result. So very very true: if you keep on doing the same things, taking the same action and thinking the same thoughts, guess what you’re going to get? The same results that you’ve been getting!

In stark contrast to the egoistic personalities that have come to dominate modern organisation culture, great organisation are run by visionary leaders that embrace change and promotes creativity. This a great ad by Apple Computers from their "Think Different" ad series. I like this...

Changing into a Changeling