The Need to Be Always Right...

I really had a great time yesterday meeting up friends, talking about the “good ole days” and on a sombre mood, we talked about the recent loss of a dear friend (May Allah bless his soul). We talked till it’s time to send a dear friend to take his night bus back.

On the subject of talking, everyone hates a know-it-all. No one likes to hear, “I told you so” or imposing opinions from self-elected moral preachers...(the names that cannot be mentioned). We all like to do the talking and get some attention. Hey, look at me, see how smart or witty I am! When we disagree or express a personal opinion, we love to be right. In order to be right we think that we must make the other person wrong. We might use logic, raise our voice, or change our tone. After all we are so sure…

I meet people like this all the time. In fact, I’m tested with this dynamic every day, in face-to-face interactions, in phone conversations, in emails and in blogs. In FB status and comments, you get postings from these “keyboard warriors” regularly. Perhaps we're not aware of it at the time, but the majority of us seem consistently feel the need to be right; not only to be right, but to prove the other person wrong.

“….there's nothing wrong to speak up... some do it by 'hentam-ing' the keyboard... but b4 we do it, ask ourselves whether it will bring about change...as wishful thinking is a waste of time! But one thing for sure...everything is in the state of flux, including the status quo...” (a quote from a dear friend)

Who’s the culprit here…I think it’s our ego talking. It wants to feel strong and secure. So, whenever I have the sense that I may be wrong, it reacts by making me feel angry and afraid. The problem in this dynamic is that someone always has to lose….that's why it always leads to interpersonal interactions that foster mistrust, conflict and resentment…turning grownups in BIG SULKS

Where does this egoistic need to be right come from? The need to bully other people into submission either physically or verbally. Is it from our ancestors or nenek moyang warrior days where everything is settled by the sword or keris? Or perhaps, it is insecurity or a lack of self-esteem.

What actually did I gain in trying to correct people? Other than a stupid gotcha point, glory for me, personally and for my "supporters"....nothing…zilch. To the contrary, I lost respect, a little less affinity and worse still, I gained some animosity. I may even put my relationship on the line with the persons I “corrected”. Good relationships are not about being right, are they? They are not about winning, prevailing, and defeating. So what if I like a different colour?. So what if someone thinks they are first. They're both things of such inconsequence.

It is because we live in a world of two opposing sides,…the good against the bad. A world that always demands debate, a world of "either/or". In this world of battling egos, it's all about being separate and independent, me versus you…. I win and you lose.


The challenge is how to live in a way that transcends the personal and focuses on commonness. In the world of commonness, it's about "you and me" and win-win, a world of "both/and. It's about perspective, a world that acknowledges differences between us.

My mentor put the point through in a very simple but profound way. He asked 2 persons to stand, one person in-front facing him while the other was asked to stand on his right, He took out his credit card and held it up like a football referee holding his yellow card. He asked each of them, "How wide is the card from where you are standing?". The person in front answered 5cm while the person to his right answered 1mm.

So what's the moral of the story? Yes, you guessed it, both of them are right as they are looking at the same card but from a different point of view. Similarly we may look at the same things differently from our own viewpoint. Both are right, so do we have to argue and fight over who's right?

Every day I keep reminding myself that the “truth” is fluid. What was right before may be wrong today or tomorrow What was wrong before may be right today or tomorrow and I must learn to keep my emotional opinions limited to my own self; otherwise I might be at risk of preaching and venting. I must lower the volume on that nagging self-critical voice inside my head which triggers me to criticise others in order to feel better about myself. When I express myself honestly and openly, I let go of the need to be right. I’m more likely to listen and to learn from others instead of speaking all the time to make myself heard.

What counts are the dignity, the respect, and the validation amongst family, friends and the people I meet. These are so much more important than being right all the time.

Hang on…WTF...Who does this stooopid guy thinks he is, telling me……

(sigh)…Maybe someday, I will finally learn.